Mommin aint easy!

Emma went to Kindergarten 2 years ago.  Ibackpack remember the anxiety I felt sending my first born out into the world.  Feelings of “did I prepare her enough”.  Would she find her teacher ok?, Will she make friends? , Will she cry and miss home? , Will she go to the bathroom when she needs to?, Will she be brave and stand up for herself?, Knowing she is quiet and sensitive…will she not get lost in the crowd? I remember that first day of school so vividly.  I had a knot in my stomach the whole night before and morning.  I couldn’t believe that this tiny little baby I had brought home from the hospital was big enough to already go to school….all day long!  She was leaving the nest and having to learn that kids can be mean and not 3fingerseverything is just like home.   I remember trying to hold back the tears the first time I saw her wearing a backpack bigger than she was!  The moment that big yellow bus came and I got one last hug….happened in an instant and it was all over!  I balled my eyes out as the bus pulled away and I saw the 3 little fingers signing “I love you” out the window.   Then I turned and saw this sweet little 3 year old holding my hand saying “it’s ok mom, we will be ok”. 

 

I didn’t feel completely alone because I had someone else who needed me during the hours of 8-3.  My little buddy, my side-kick, my helper Hannah.  We filled our days with fun adventures and memory making.  We truly had time to bond now that it was just the two of us!  Of course, the time has now come….my youngest is about to head off in a little over a week and it’s hard all over again for different reasons!   I have some of the same worries I had 2 years ago, but some different as both girls have different personalities.  I still worry that she will become just another face in a sea of 5 year olds.   I worry that she will give in to peer pressure because she longs to be a good friend, that she won’t eat her lunch, that she won’t pay close attention to her teacher because she gets easily distracted, and I worry that she will get so tired because she still regularly needs rests.  Hannah is ready, I know she is. 

  It’s time for me to let her grow up, but I also worry about myself.    I worry about the once coveted silence will be deafening, I worry that I have no purpose if I’m not spending the majority of my time with at least one of my children.  I worry that I won’t be needed as much.  The years I have been able to be at home with my children have been the absolute hardest and best years….I would not have traded them for anything.  The memories, the bonding, the hard days were worth it. But it’s a loss knowing that this time went too fast and is over.  I’m excited for them and all they are going to learn and experience, but it ain’t easy being a mom!

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4 thoughts on “Mommin aint easy!

  1. Becky, I am proud of you and they way you have mothered your girls, who are my precious granddaughters. I don’t think I am ready to say goodbye to Hannah! She has been so fun to be with. I am thsnkful for the fun summer we have had with the girls. God is good!

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  2. Mommin ain’t easy for sure, but something tells me you will do great and find more ways to nest that lovely home so that your time with them at home is even more special!

    I rarely comment on blogs but I had to respond to this particular post. What you are feeling now can happen at many stages of life. Wait until they both go to college, and then move out on their own. And even later in life it can happen again. My only granddaughter Lili will be in school on Monday so my time watching her in the summer is over but this is the first year that both of my wonderful parents are gone and not needing me several times a week. Talk about not feeling needed enough! My life up until now has been about being a geriatric nurse, a mom, a preschool teacher, a doting and caregiving grandmother and caregiver to my parents. Volunteering on the memory unit, though very rewarding, is also very hard at times – both emotionally and physically and my heart and my joints can only take a few hours a few times a week. I am needing to reinvent myself at the age of 61. It sure will be interesting.

    I wish your girls and you a wonderful school year!! Big hugs, Linda – Behind My Red Door

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    • Thank you Linda! Your words are encouraging! I was so happy to see your comment and know that it comes from someone I admire! A lot of life changes ahead for me….sending my youngest to kindergarten, leaving my old job, starting a new one….it’s all happening at once and can be overwhelming. I’m continually reminding myself “one day at a time”….if I look at the whole picture…it will be too much, but grace in the moment is all I need. I think as women….we are always having to “reinvent” ourselves….for the better! Thank you again for your words…they were comforting knowing that others can truly sympathize!

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